I’ve noticed more and more lately that I don’t have many memories I can draw upon. My memories are fading. I don’t mean recalling what I did last week – I mean real meaningful memories.
I think about my life and my childhood and I draw a blank. I can’t remember much that happened to me. I’ve always had a photographic memory but I don’t even seem to be able to form a snapshot. It’s easier to recall stand out memories from more recent years – for example, meeting Liam.
The problem is, once I start to think more deeply about those memories I’m not sure whether I’m truly remembering them or whether my mind is recreating them. My mind is funny in this way – as I mentioned, I have a photographic memory but there are some things I remember as ‘sentences’ or words, and my mind paints a new picture from it. To me, these memories are fabricated – I’m just recreating something from the words I can piece together or the events that I know for sure took place.
I’ve thought about it more and more lately. One thing I do remember is my ex-boyfriend telling me he could remember being a toddler, and recall and describe specific memories from this time. That was about ten years ago that he told me that – I had a terrible memory then, too, but I’m sure I could remember more of my childhood. In fact, even Liam has told me he has memories from when he was very young.
I don’t have any.
Since thinking about writing this post I’ve been racking my brains. I simply can’t remember anything from my childhood. I don’t remember anything much from secondary school either. I remember locations – I can easily recreate my primary school playground or some of the classrooms we used to eat lunch in at secondary school, but I remember nothing that took place in these locations.
My memory has gotten worse over the past four years. As ridiculous as this sounds, when I first started my current job I was able to have a conversation with my manager without a notepad and store the list of jobs she asked me to do in my mind until I made it back to my computer (up a floor from her!). Now I don’t even bother venturing to her office without a pen and paper because I can’t remember anything she asks me to do.
On the flip side, I have an excellent memory for names, dates and mundane details. I have a depth of knowledge on subjects I don’t need – I’m always able to name celebrities and remember people’s birthdays (and I mean even people I barely know!). I can remember lots of abbreviations, routes and stupid things like airport codes. The problem is, I think I’d much rather remember moments in time.
I’m sure in part this has to be because of technology. I’ve become so reliant on it, really adapting and molding myself to it. There’s an app that solves every problem – I don’t need to remember anything. I can just record a voice note or type a quick sentence.
What if in ten years times I can’t remember any of the magical moments Liam and I have shared? The day we met, the day we got together, our engagement and our upcoming wedding. What if they’re all gone?
I can only hope not.
Do you find you struggle to remember much?
Find me here!